Receiving Help, Letting go of Pride
Almost 20 years ago, I (Judi) was out of work and deeply depressed. An important relationship was broken. I was in between careers and floundering to find my purpose in life. It was a very difficult time for me. For six months two of my brothers paid my bills to try to help me get back on my feet again and to keep me from having to lose my apartment. To say it was a bit humiliating is an understatement. My pride was hurt and I felt like a complete failure. Nonetheless, I needed help and didn’t see any other options. Here I was, a college graduate, having worked since I was 16 years old (not counting working on the farm when I was growing up), and I couldn’t find a job to simply support myself.
Eventually, I was able to secure a good job where I grew and flourished in the business world. It was something I wouldn’t have thought I would do well in, but years later, I received an award from the company for being an outstanding employee. To their credit, my brothers never asked for me to financially repay them. They wanted to see me do well. Their kindness was received as a gift, a gift I couldn’t pay back immediately.
Recently Rick and I have had a family member staying with us. He is out of work and deeply depressed. He too, lost a relationship (his wife who he dearly loved passed away). He too, has floundered in the midst of all the changes this brought to his life. He’s hurt and mad at God. Others have tried their best to help him, but its hard to know how best to help someone in such a situation. After a few years of bad luck, pride, hitting a wall, he agreed to come stay with us in Florida and get a fresh start. Just to get back on his feet. We don’t have a lot of money but we can give him a clean home, a comfy bed, nice shower and decent meals to eat. He also has the house to himself when we are traveling, so he can enjoy a bit more privacy.
To be honest, we don’t always know what to do to help. We don’t have the answers or even the right words. We flounder, trying to be supportive. We talk together, eat meals together, sometimes we play games or watch movies. We pray for him. We are winging it. And we don’t even know how it will all work out. Most of it depends on him. Sometimes I really want him to receive advice from us, but I do it in a way that isn’t gentle or truly respectful. He is a grown man and must choose his way for himself. It’s tricky; and I have found that trusting God with him is more reliable than all my years of “wisdom”.
In a way, we are watching him slowly come back to life. It is not easy, but he is adjusting. He’s gained weight, has a new bike and is going on job interviews. He’s sleeping better. The best part is seeing his demeanor improve and his sense of humor return. We are hopeful that things will continue to move forward in this direction.
This week, I have been thinking about my younger self, and how hard it was for me to receive help. How much I did not want others to look down on me, or pity me, or think I was unintelligent because I was in such a predicament. To be sure, there were decisions I could’ve made differently, but I did the best I could at the time. It revealed some things about myself that were hard to accept and that I didn’t want to face. But it also led me into a more authentic place with myself and with God. It has helped give me compassion for others and to be willing to see and hear their pain without damaging their dignity.
It is not lost on me that God has used some very painful things in my life to produce something beautiful that is to be given away to others. I don’t believe He orchestrates the bad events or seasons, but I do believe we are not alone in them, and that He can and will work all things together for our good.
I am so appreciative of what my brothers did for me back then. And I feel so honored that this family member would trust us to help him now. Perhaps we are in a “paying it forward” moment. But it is clear to me that there is value in moving through the darkest moments, receiving help from those that can see us. And that one day, we will give to someone else the beautiful treasure that was forged in our darkness.
Let there be light.