A hurricane is hurtling towards my home in Florida right now and I am 1200 mile away. With the possibilities of damage and destruction looming, I can't help but feel incredibly grateful for that little home. It is the first house I have ever owned, an 1100 square foot house that had been in foreclosure. I could barely afford it, but it was mine.

He tormented me, he held a gun to my head, he raped me, he demeaned me. I was a teenager and he was my enemy. Whenever I would hear the name of Satan or consider the word “evil,” his face would come to mind. He (and others) took from me. My innocence, my value, my self-esteem, my strength, my purity, my hope, my joy. All that was precious and good and lovely about my younger self was charred by these heinous incidents. I hated them for what they had done.

I love new beginnings. It’s a new year, full of freshness, hope and possibilities. Ahead lies a myriad of untold victories, personal growth, messy challenges and golden opportunities. Rather than resolutions, I like to start the new year with purposeful dreaming. Dreaming of more than enough, wild adventures, a Love so strong it leaves a miracle in it’s wake wherever it goes, Health so vibrant it defies natural tendencies to age and deteriorate, a Hope that overcomes any lingering hopelessness, a Peace that allows us to face whatever trials and tribulations that may come our way, and an open heart to hear the lovely leading of the Holy Spirit (Someone who has no condemnation or fear to offer, only pure and gracious love). I’ve decided my phrase for this new year is “Begin with Love.”

Years ago, I remember a young man at church who would repeatedly tell me that God loved me. He seemed like a normal sort of person, yet so insistent and persistent that I thought it odd. I smiled and nodded, but deep down my response was, “So what?” The gentleman seemed so passionate about something I readily saw as a cliché, though perhaps a harmless one, I dismissed it as having no bearing on my day-to-day life. I was looking for real solutions. What could I do to become a better person and improve my circumstances in this life? What could I do to get God to answer my prayers?

I learned firsthand about a door of utterance several years ago while I was attending a local home group bible study. Although I’d been exposed to the gospel as seen through the lens of God’s grace, I was having difficulty articulating it to others. I recognized it when I heard a teaching or read a book/blog about it, but when I tried to explain what I knew, my words would fall to the ground with a thud. I could tell there was no life in my words. I was merely regurgitating dogma which had no ability to produce real change in those around me.

Recently I created a stressful situation for myself. I say, “I created it” because truthfully, it was only me that was demanding I meet a particular deadline. I was behind on a work project and I felt pressed for time and for finances. My experience produced significant feelings of stress. However, when I spoke to Rick about it, he remained calm and unmoved by the potential looming disaster I saw ahead if this deadline was not met. At first, I found his reaction comforting. It made me feel like everything would be okay, but as time went on… not so much.

I was 47 years old when I got married. Shortly after our wedding, I remember a friend asked me if it was strange having someone around all the time after being single for so long. I didn’t hesitate – Nope, not at all. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. Like “hand-in-glove.” But it got me to thinking… I was loving being married, but what about Rick?

I grew up on a small farm in the country.  I considered myself poor.  My father was a teacher, repairman and farmer.  My mother was a homemaker.  Though we really did have everything we needed, I saw that we were different from other families who had more and nicer things than we did.  It was never the attitude of my parents, but somewhere I picked up a victim mentality…that others seemed to have a better shot at life than I did because they had more money.  I felt it was unfair.

Isn’t the idea of Grace so beautiful to hear about?  But I have a question: Is it really practical?  Does the way of Grace really help us in practical terms or is it a flimsy lifeless theory that fails us within the everyday trials of living in this world?  I have had several opportunities to put this to the test.  I am someone who is not content with pretty words, but need to see that there is something real within what I believe.  If there isn’t, I simply cannot embrace it.  I’ve had my share of struggles in life since becoming a Christian that I have had to face and deal with.

My life and my general attitude/feelings towards others have changed significantly over the last several years.  When I began to realize the extent of God’s unconditional love for me, it couldn’t help but change my view of those around me.  Think about it.  Love with absolutely no conditions.  Love secure enough and strong enough to just GIVE without demanding anything in return.  As simplistic as it sounds, this is a remarkable revelation that has the potential for significant impact on our lives and relationships.

Seven years ago, I sunk into a deep depression.  I had been depressed before, but not for the past ten years since I had become a Christian.  I had thought that kind of despair was in my past.  In fact, it was my testimony – God had released me from a hauntingly self-destructive past and had delivered me into a new and hopeful life.  Yet somehow I had found myself extremely disappointed with life, with God and particularly with my circumstances. 

I remember someone trying to encourage me when I was single in my early 30's.  They told me of a friend who was 45 and had finally met her husband-to-be and they had recently gotten married.  "See, dreams do come true!"  Needless to say, I was not encouraged.  I was, in fact, mortified.  The prospect of endless waiting seemed particularly unbearable - like a death sentence.

Tonight, as I sit with my husband and dear friends, enjoying a delicious steak dinner that we cooked on the grill, I am struck with the thought that 238 years ago, America secured  its hard-won independence.  For some reason when I think of the American Revolution, I always think of  Valley Forge, how the men were freezing cold, their feet were frostbitten and bleeding.   Somehow despite those horrific conditions, George Washington encouraged them onward.  One day, when I get to heaven, I want to personally thank those men for not giving up on me.  

My name is… Judi Manis. Yes, I am getting used to my new name. I love it. I am part of a new family. At our wedding last month my niece, Emily, who is 10 years old got to meet Rick’s granddaughter Nicolette who is 10 years old. They were chatting excitedly when Emily exclaimed, “I am getting a new uncle!” To which Nicolette responded, “I am getting a new grandmother!”